5 albums/bands I wish never happened

I've written about my favorite albums I listened to in 2011, favorite 10 albums of all time, most listened to album, blah blah blah. Fuck all that sugar coated shit. These albums I'm going to post about were made for dipshits and mongoloids. Albums that I not only cringe when hearing, but just cannot stand to hear someone tell me about how good it really is or how I should "give it a chance."

#1 is this fuckin bitch. Even googling her name for this picture made me mad. Why the FUCK are people seriously paying money for her desperate attempt at getting your attention? Now granted, there are hundreds of bands from the 50s-current day that just blow my mind as to how people got so into.. but the reasons people give for listening to her? Originality? Daring? Wait, what?

Now for the people who get their music spoon fed to them from Mtv and modern radio, your opinion is voided out, regardless of how insane your reason for liking her is. But i've had people who honestly like music find an interest in this thing, and still call it original. People who have heard Peaches, people who have seen and witnessed other oddities before. There's a reason no one dresses in meat dresses and kermit the frog costumes.. because you look like a jackass. Creativity does not equal you wearing dumb shit on stage.

I honestly cannot tell the difference of her song coming on or Katy Peary, and all the other modernized britteny spears bullshit. It's all the same dance club beats with the same cock juggling synth leads for people to listen to with their heads in their ass.


anyway..

#2: These phony dorks were a revelation for the weird kids getting beat up by quarter backs. It was their calling. Some moby looking retard with what looked like a chewing gum wrapper on his chin, screaming about getting up and getting down with the sickness. I got fucking ear sickness after I heard this band, and i'd gladly take the beating from a quarter back than take the beating my ears took when this shit for brains band pissed in my ears with their fart metal.

Now i don't know which album this is, but that guy on the cover looks tough as fuck. Just about as tough as the kid who has someone elses mustang as his profile picture. I know guys, reality is rough. But it's ok. Record labels are here for you. There are plenty of bands circulating now thanks to these butt humpers for you to get your emotional connection with. Hang in there guys

#3: The THESE GUYS! Thankfully this trend has mostly died out. However, back in high school i worked at a Spencers and had to listen to these guys slam their 5 inch wangs into their guitars just about all day every day. This was the start of tattooed emo boys barging their way into the scene with their "tough guy" looks and style. It's like justin bieber raided motley crues closet. Stop playing music.

They're spending more time with their hair dressers than the rehearsal room. If you want to look like a complete douchebag, 2012 won't mind. There are PLENTY of tattooed retards, hobbling around talking about "metal" like it doesn't think they're a complete joke. I mean, do you really leave the house looking how you do without thinking someones going to beat you up?

What are these guys doing now that noone gives a fuck about their boy band? Are you going to job interviews with your fingerless gloves and sleeveless Iron Maiden t-shirts? Get out of here..

#4: This goes for the band, not specifically this "masterpiece" or whatever the fuck Tom DeLonge called it in all the interviews leading up this bands first release. Yeah, we get it. Blink broke up so now it's a race to see who can hold the attention span of the 14 year old girls you guys write music to longer.

As a fan of blink growing up, hearing the guys getting a band together, talking about boobs and skateboarding - it was just about as good as it got. But all the space themes and hype you tried to create upon release for this album? He made a point to say that it would be bigger than the beatles reuniting, or jesus coming down to earth. "What we're planning on is larger than life and will raise the bar for bands, forever" - for an exact quote. I have yet to hear this "larger than life" sounding back.. but i did however hear your whiny U2 cover band. Fuck you

Why do you feel the need to sing like you are ejaculating into another mans mouth? Sure, your voice was almost pretty whiny but man, blow your load elsewhere. Every song sounds like an intro. Leads you up and just drops you on your face in bummerville. Next

#5: The term "punk rock" was raped harder than all the child molesters in prison combined when this bag of shit band, and all the 20,034,393 bands that branched off and or formed after this band got stupid popular. But to each his own, right? Explain that to my blood pressure when it rises when i think of that douchebag pointing to his head and going "some girls are craaazy!"

Now i know it's not exactly the hardest band or style to make fun of, but come on kids. These dorks are how old now? Please tell me these songs weren't current situations you found yourselves in. It's a journal entry you found when you were 14, right?

From saves the day, my chemical romance, fall out boy, and all the other tight t-shirt, socially awkward kids who joined bands to impress and see their high school crush in a bra.. stop. Buy her some roses or something. Just put the guitar down. I'm asking nicely.

...I'll buy you tacos?


-Novak